10   Field Trips

Let's go to Costco!  Would you take the deposit?  I had to take the kids to school this morning at the crack of eleven. 

9   Braggin' Rights

Mike has always wanted to own tons of stuff, a bigger house or a larger bedroom.  The fact that he now owns a whole bunch of crap has never dawned on him.  He wants more crap!  It would be one thing if he wanted something worthwhile like a ninth century do-dad.  All he wants is the latest and greatest videos and games…  ..and he wants to tell you about them and how it only took all Saturday afternoon to beat it - a fifty-nine dollar day!

8   Toys

Mike really likes toys so he gets me to go out and buy these mini-RC cars which are cool for less than five minutes but now I have two cars complete with extra bodies, wheels and assorted other crap to make them cooler.  Just what I need another hundred dollars worth of crap.

7  Entertainment

Mike is easily entertained.  (Witness 9 above.)  Why spend hours trying to better yourself when you can waste time at work thinking up these top 10 lists.  Entertainment is all in the eye of the entertained, in this case his eyes are generally closed thinking about what he'll be doing when I'm not paying him… or what he's going to do that is pleasant while I'm paying him like evacuate…  shocker there.

6   God Like

When someone else seems to bear the lion's share of the risk you treat them with respect - right?  Such as every time someone might have to eliminate numerous comments are made about their continence challenges or if memory fails they must be revered because they are soooo old they deserve respect.  And finally, of course, when they write out YOUR paycheck they must be honored until they hand over the check.  Then they can go to the bathroom. 

5   Excuse not to go to work

Interesting that Mike should include a section such as this.  Mike is extremely reliable regarding work attendance.  Of course his efforts rarely go unrewarded as he writes the schedule.  So it's hard to miss work if you're not supposed to be there in the first place.  I can tell you he always schedules himself for payday…

4   Live Pay Per View Events

Funny that Mike should bring this up.  His idea of a live, pay-per-view event entails asking me about getting pizza or Chinese food for lunch, consuming his share and then taking Kevin off to the bathroom for a little rest and evacuation.  Thank whoever that we have a warning light outside the bathroom.

3   Potty Training

When it comes to training I must say that Mike is absolutely trained, trained to hold his bowel until he arrives at work, trained to have plans to leave early on Friday, trained to be sure his boys are never made to wait at school.  In fact Mike is so well trained that Donna can call anytime and talk to him… about anything!  Wussie-boy.

2   Great Waiters

Mike does know how to wait.  He can prepare a document for filing and wait and wait and wait to file it - forever.  He corrected me one day when I called him on his procrastination, "That's where it's filed!"  And he thinks his filing system is infallible when retrieval is required.  "Well, move the papers on the right side of my desk then look over on Tom's desk then look on the landing, maybe down by the copier or over by the fax", and if all else fails look in the trash bin.

1  "To which"

Enough said.